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Resilient and Ambivalent – EP. 140

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Life is messy and full of contradictions. Sometimes the most resilient thing we can do is be ambivalent. The Brave Files Podcast with Heather Vickery

INTROSPECTIVE • RESILIENT • FORGIVING

Sara Wiles

Top Takeaways From This Episode:

  • It’s okay to have contradictory emotions and feelings. 
  • The act of granting forgiveness will affect you as much as—If not more than—The person you grant forgiveness to. It will alter your energy and the space you hold in the world. 
  • We teach what we most need to learn.
  • Sometimes the most resilient thing you can do is choose ambivilance

Show Notes:

Life is messy

We feel conflicting emotions about our lives and the people in them all the time. Nothing is ever black and white, all good or all bad. These contradictions can be really scary, but life is far more rewarding when we allow ourselves the grace to feel all our emotions.

Mentor and coach, Sara Wiles,  knows this very well. The area where this has become most prevalent in her life is the painful estrangement from her mother. Despite making the decision to remove her mother from her life, she speaks about her mom with compassion. 

Becoming a motherless mother

Sara shares that it was her son's birth that caused her to realize her mother was a toxic force in her life. The decision was difficult but quick. Sara says she realized that “I didn't have the capacity to allow a one-sided relationship to work in my life anymore” after an especially difficult visit from her mom. At the time, she thought their estrangement would be for the short-term— Now, it's been five years since they've spoken. 

“I didn't have the capacity to allow a one-sided relationship to work in my life anymore”

With time comes perspective

Sara realizes, upon reflection, she didn’t have the perspective needed as a child to identify that her mother's behavior wasn't normal. This led her to internalize all of the heavy, complicated feelings she felt about their relationship. “I held so much shame around it [the estrangement] for a very long time,” she says. She felt like she couldn't talk about her with anyone. Those feelings of isolation disappeared once Sara began to talk about her mom with other people. Once she started opening up about this story, so many other women said, “Oh my gosh, I have the same story. I'm always afraid to tell people that I have a really strained relationship with my mother because I feel like I've done something wrong.”  

Relationships, like life, are complicated

Sara now believes her mother has a personality disorder whose symptoms include “an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behavior.” Despite the hurt that this relationship caused her over the years, Sara refuses to stigmatize her mother. Relationships are complicated, and Sara's derived both joy and sadness from the one she had with her mother. One of her greatest traits, empathy, is something Sara attributes to her mother. This was a bit of a double-edged sword, however, because it led to remaining in an unhealthy relationship much longer than she should have. Nevertheless, Sara says “It is possible for someone to have really beautiful, wonderful, amazing qualities, and ones that are a deal-breaker in a relationship at the exact same time.” 

Sadness and forgiveness

Despite the sadness Sara carries with her, she says she’s fully forgiven her mother. She didn't anticipate that her son's birth would shift her perspective about her mother's presence in her life. She just instantly knew that, in order to be a healthy mother to her own child, she could no longer remain in an unhealthy one with her own mother. 

But a decision like this doesn’t come without sadness. It seemed that the birth of her child was also a rebirth of herself in a new and more aware way. She learned to extend the same grace she’d previously allowed her mother, to herself. “I have forgiven my mother so much for being an imperfect human,” Sara explains. “If I can extend forgiveness to her, I can also extend forgiveness to myself!” As parents, we are bound to miss the mark now and then. Giving ourselves grace and choosing to be resilient are the keys to being a loving, healthy, and effective parent. 

Resilient and Ambivalent

In some cases, choosing to be ambivalent about something beyond your control is a fierce form of resilience. It’s almost an active form of defiance against a society that tells us we should own the feelings of others and behave accordingly. Today, Sara works to stand in her ambivalent feelings both for herself and for her family. This, she shares, is one of the things she’s most proud of.

Learn more about Sara!

Sara Wiles is a mentor and coach for entrepreneurs who seek to start online service-based businesses. She helps a breadth of people who call themselves everything from Virtual Assistants and Online Business Managers to Pinterest Managers. Sara offers a business course called The Start that helps aspiring Virtual Assistants get on their feet. She also runs a matchmaking service where she matches entrepreneurs to service providers. You can listen to her podcast about entrepreneurship, the Happy Thoughts Show, here. Also, be sure to follow her on Instagram and Facebook.

Giving is Good:

Sara supports Planned Parenthood, a nonprofit organization that provides reproductive health care services, resources, and research. They’re also advocates for the protection and expansion of reproductive rights. Be sure to follow them on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Donate here

Sara also supports the ACLU, a nonprofit organization that strives to protect the civil liberties promised to Americans under both the Constitution and United States law. The ACLU focuses on the issues of the time—Right now, for example, the ACLU is focused on securing voting rights for all Americans during the 2020 election. You can donate to the ACLU here. Follow them on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

Life is messy and full of contradictions. Sometimes the most resilient thing we can do is be ambivalent. The Brave Files Podcast with Heather Vickery
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About Your Host:
Heather Vickery
Heather Vickery
Heather Vickery is an award-winning business owner and global leader with over 20 years as an entrepreneur. She leverages her entrepreneurial skills and expertise to coach individuals towards greater personal and professional fulfillment by helping them leverage their fear into intentional bravery. Heather says “When we choose bravely, on purpose, we choose bigger, have bigger successes and it’s contagious” A celebrated public speaker, Heather inspires audiences and empowers attendees with the tools they need to live bold and successful lives through creating balance, time management, mindfulness, as well as countless systems, strategies, and boundaries. She’s the author of Gratitude Journal: Shift Your Focus and Grow Grateful: A Gratitude Journal for Kids and Families. Heather is also the host and executive producer of The Brave Files Podcast.
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